An Apple A Day Keeps My Boner Ok

I know it's hard to believe, but I have a bachelor's degree from a top school.

I Hope You Kept the Receipt

The last time I tried to give someone the gift of sex, she said it wasn't in her size.

How I Want to Go Out

I would also settle for being smothered by nude supermodels. Either way.

"I Wish You'd Make Me Stop Taking These ATV Rides, Uncle Larry. You're Not Fooling Anyone."

It's bad, because he makes his nephew wear chaps.

"Hi, I'm Matt. This is My Fiancee. Have You Seen My Chin Anywhere?"

Oh well. At least she got a double helping of boobs to make up for it.

She Must Be Italian

And yet, she's still hotter than most of the women I've dated.

One of These Things is Not Like the Others...

They could have made it more confusing by putting nipples on the wall.

"How Much Did I Drink Last Night? Hello Th-- Oh, Man. I Screwed a Baby. Again."

I know. Sex with children's not funny. Unless the children are having sex with clowns.

How Much Do You Charge for a Trick?

When I get depressed, I just think that as long as Halloween exists, there will always be girls slutted up. And I feel a little better.

I'll Take the One on the Left, You Can Have the Obviously Insane One on the Right

Although crazy sex is usually good sex, I just can't heal up stab wounds like I used to.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Child Porn!

Sure, this girl could be 20. But she looks thirteen. And that's just wrong. So don't do anything gross to this picture. Promise?

1985 Called, It Wants Its Look Back

If I lived near these two, I'd buy stock in tanning salons. Cha-ching!