Ken's Misguided Efforts at Repopulation Further Endangered the Koala

At least his butthole. We're classy here, I know.

"Oh My God, a Douchenozzle! Just What I Wanted!"

Why you don't invite assholes to wedding showers.

"Dear Video-Blog, Today I'd Describe My Mood as Pensive and Half-Naked"

The forecast is shirtless with a chance of nipple.

Teeth Like a Mouth Full of Tic-Tacs

I will give a bounty of $25* to anyone who can prove to me whether that's a man or woman on the right.

*=not real money.

They're Not Radio Dials, Lady

Although she was able to tune in to the Adam Carolla show.

Put 'Em On the Glass

My ode to Sir Mixxalot. And this girl's boobs. Why his followup to "Baby Got Back" wasn't a bigger hit, I don't know. There is no God.

Karina's Ear Was Destined to Become the Biggest Star in Hollywood

Tragically, it became addicted to painkillers and overdosed at 27. The rest of Karina's face never got over it, and mourned her until its death at the age of 73.

Badonkadonk, Meet Badonkadonkadonk

All I wanna do is a zoom-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom. Just shake ya rump!

Alternate headline: They Really Do Make the Rockin' World Go Round

"My Shirt Fell Open. Ta-Da!"

Ladies, I'd like to perform a public service for you. And fellas, I apologize in advance for saying this.

Before you post nude/scantily clad/sexy pictures of yourself online, keep in mind these two things:

1) It's the Internet. It will always be out there somewhere.
2) At some point in the future, your boyfriend/husband/kids/grandkids/adopted Vietnamese boat person nephew may find them.
3) I will be masturbating to them, unless you have a head like a cabbage.

I'm like the Dr. Phil of the Interwebs.

Linda Liked Nothing More Than to Have Her Picture Taken in Front of Fake Waterfalls

Getting her portrait painted in front of a fake rock quarry comes in a close second on her list.

She's Got Huge...Tracts of Land

If for some reason, Hot Girl in This Picture, you happen to be reading this blog, please email me. I will buy you dinner -- you can spend up to $9.95 before taxes. I will then take you out dancing (if dragging you forcefully to the sound of police sirens counts as dancing) before bringing you home. And by bringing you home, I mean untying you and letting you have a ten second head start. I know, I'm a romantic.

Sadly, She Can Beat Me Up

Happily, I can come while she does that.