Something For the Ladies

We've been accused of sexism.  Not here, but out on the street, when we grabbed a strange woman's ass.  Hey, it's not our fault she can't take a compliment.  Anyway, here's something for all you gals out there.  Rrrrrowr!

"It Was Awesome Dude. On My Birthday, I Had An Orgy With Four Chicks. And Then They Gave Me a Standing Ovation!"

Hey, Hooters.  You're serious?  A buck a chicken wing?  With the free buffet, that's what it costs at a strip club.  And you get nipples thrown in at no extra charge.  For more strip club economics, read my new book I Don't Mind Paying $6 For a Bottled Water If I Can See Your Honeypot, available now at Amazon.com

Roll Over, Beethoven

Yeah, like she knows how to read.

Honey, the Traps Aren't Working

Because he wasn't wearing orange, Tommy was soon shot and killed by a drunken hunter.  Safety first, kids!

A Trust Exercise Gone Horribly, Horribly Wrong

"Seriously, babe, if you didn't want me to rape you, why'd you tie yourself up?"

His Secret Identity is A Giant Douchebag

Notice how no one else is in costume?  Think his friends told him it was a Halloween party and then he got there and got really angry because he was the only one dressed up so he ripped that girl's pants off and told her she was Tom Cruise in Risky Business?

Blue Light Special in Aisle Three - Faux-Izods for $3.99 Each

You know why their mom dresses them the same?  So she doesn't take home the wrong eight kids again.

A New Way to Put Out Candles

Hopefully silicone is fire-resistant.

On Donner, On Blitzen, On Ho-Bag

Although this girl is really cute, she got loaded one Christmas eve and ran over my grandmother.

If I Could Come Back As An Inanimate Object, I'd Pick Her Thong

I wouldn't even mind the herpes juice.

"Must...Lift...Middle...Finger..."

"Before this douche chokes the life out of me."  

This guy looks like a cross between William Katt from Greatest American Hero and Corky from Life Goes On.

You're Not Pregnant, That's a Popsicle Stick

It'd be a lot funnier if that wasn't my wife.

White Power's Never Been Hotter

This is much sexier than the time three neo-Nazis raped me in prison.  I'll never teach an adult literacy class again.

Hold On As Tight As You Can, Kid...

'Cause as soon as she sobers up, she's gonna make a run for it.

She's Not Technically A Suicide Girl...

But she did kill herself shortly after this photo was taken.

Bend Over Just A Little More Please

Strangely, what's most compelling about her is her striking blue eyes.  No, actually it's her giant cans.

There Are A Few People In Here That Don't Think I'm A Total Douche...

"What can I do to show them.  Wait a minute!  How about playing a push-broom like a guitar? Don Hensleigh, you are a genius."

She's Wearing a Low-Cut Top Because No One Ever Stared at a Girl's Brain

To be fair though, Kant's The Foundation of the Metaphysics of Morals is a tough read.

Put It On! Put it On!

I never thought I'd say this, but I wish they made larger bikinis.

I Didn't Know You Could DJ With an Xbox Live Headset

"Keep it moving out there.  Up next, Chromeo.  Hang on a sec.  That's total bullshit.  I just shot you in the head with a plasma rifle.  Quit humping my corpse.  How old are you?  12?"

Shouldn't These Two Be Leaning Over the Hood of a Souped-Up Honda?

I shouldn't bag on them.  If a girl drinks that much Jack Daniels, at least you know she's fun.

I Didn't Know She Spoke Sign Language

She's just doing this because she can't spell "cunnilingus."

What A Coincidence - I've Got a Piston in My Pants!

When she got an "A" on her math test, she overturned a car and set it on fire.

Guess They Ran Out of Treats by the Time They Got to Her Face

I love Halloween for giving women an excuse to dress like total sluts.