My Kind of Towelhead

Iraq would be a lot more fun if instead of terrorists and insurgents, we were fighting women with huge breasts.  And instead of guns, we used pillows.  And vibrators. 

Oddly Enough, the Carpet Matches the Drapes

The pink hair means she's wild.  The Hot Topic clothes mean she's poor.

Lando Calrissian Has Seen Better Days

Losing Cloud City to Vader and his men was a terrible blow.  The only thing that eased the pain was Colt .45 (Works every time!).

The Immaculate Heart Presentation of "The Diary of Ann Frank" Was Intriguing, If A Little Unorthodox

What is it about schoolgirls in uniform that gives me a throbbing erection?

If Only Her Shirt Was a Teensie Bit More See-Through

Or these damn x-ray glasses really worked.

And Then They Raped Him

As my grandma always said - it's all fun and games until someone loses their anal virginity.  Remember kids - when your friends are dicks, don't pass out around them.

The Wax Job Was Great...

But her nipple ring scratched my paint job.

Thank Heaven For Little Shirts

Girls, some tips for self-shot pictures.  

1) If you're using a flash, make sure to keep the camera away from your face.  Otherwise, you get a big blur of light for a head.

2) Wear as little clothing as possible.  Nude is best.  If you're not fine with nudity, may I suggest covering your boobs with your hands?  If you don't see nipple, technically you're not naked.

3) Look like this girl.

It'll Take More Than a Picture of a Girl Sitting On Your Bed...

To convince me you're straight.  Sorry.

My Heart is Filled With the Sorrows of A Thousand Lost Souls...

...and the cholesterol of a million devoured Cheetohs.

There's a Party In My Pants...

...and everybody's coming.

Alternate caption - "Hey, who wants to blow my noisemaker?"

Even My Pee is Cute

The one where she's wiping isn't so charming.

ADD: No, that wiping picture doesn't really exist.  So stop emailing me, Mitt Romney.

I Wish I Was a Pirate...

Instead of just a guy with a creepy mustache and a hook-hand.

Floss Daily

This happened to me in fifth grade.  It wasn't nearly as sexy, but I still ejaculated.

He Died Like He Lived. Classy.

Seriously, though, he's all of our n-word Drew.  Not just yours. 

(NOTE: We here at Private Myspace don't want to get our asses kicked, by black people or any other race.)

The One Kneeling is "Edgy"

And the one on the left is a dude.  But they do a great a capella rendition of "Sexyback."

Oh, Me Rikee!

That's not racist.  The girl on the right is named Me Rikee.

"It Was Funny the First Nine Times, Janie..."

"...Now I'm starting to think you're just gay."

What Up Gangster?

Nothing says "I'm street" more than a half-Asian girl throwing up a gang sign in the back of her dad's Accord.