I Never Thought I'd Envy A Bike Lock

Then again, I never thought I'd have sex with a monkey either. Live and learn, I guess.

I Have No Idea What This Says, But Dutch People Are Fucked Up

And he's totally going to ruin his DVD drive. Trust me.

It Was Funny Until Jana's Spine Snapped

First rule of couch-wrestling -- the heaviest person goes on the bottom. The second rule of couch-wrestling -- don't talk about couch-wrestling.

MySpace Must Be Nothing But Dangerous Criminals

Or tremendous poseurs. And fat chicks.

I Really Need to Shave My Pubes

Sorry, cousin Ernie!

Damn You Lead Pants!

When I finally peeled them off, her kryptonite labia stud totally killed my erection.

Her Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard

And damn right, it's better than yours.

I Believe in the Power of Love to Transcend All Things

And in the power of a nice rack, teasingly revealed on webcam to brighten up anyone's day.

Call the School Psychologist, Quickly

The simple lines remind me of late-period Picasso, while the suicidal tendencies bring to mind the screaming voices in my head.

Say Yes to Crack

I've got a telegram here. I'll just slip it in her mailslot.

"She's So Fat, She Doesn't Even Know I've Entered Her"

He didn't even have to roll her in flour to find the wet spot. Yes, I hate fat people. Because my mother was once raped by a fat guy.

Their Breasts Are Incredible

I'd love to get beaten up by them for my wrongdoing. It'd make a nice change of pace from getting smacked around by fat girls.