"Tom, Your Belt Is Poking Me In the Ass."

Joke's on him.  Tom's not wearing a belt.

You're A Grand Old Flag

God bless the Stars and Stripes.  Although in this case, I wouldn't mind a little flag burning.

Thanks For Ruining My Boner, Newspaper

Guess I'd better stop masturbating to the obituaries.  

He's Bringing Sexy Back

God bless you Silence of the Lambs, for giving us a touchpoint for this type of behavior.  And also "I smell your cunt."  Best.  Line.  Ever.  And also for Ted Levine saying "Was she a great big fat person?"  I've dated a couple of women (literally two) and doing the Buffalo Bill voice always creeps them out.

My Kind of Kid

Is there anything funnier than juvenile alcoholism?  I don't think so.

"What A Feeling!"

That feeling is rancid vagina through pleather.

Twice As Ugly

I don't know if this is the same chick twice or twins or what.  Once was enough, thanks.

"Hey, This Frosting Tastes Like Semen. Roger!!"

Is there anything sexier than a girl licking frosting off her finger?  Yes, licking it off my crotch.

On the Left, Before Our Date. On the Right, After I've Finished with Her

This would be an accurate depiction of what it's like to date me, except that she's not sobbing in the picture on the right.  And she's still alive.

What Do They Call Insane Clown Posse Fans Again? Oh Yeah. Idiots.

"Look how hardcore I am, man.  I've got my juggalo paint on.  I'm gonna beat up some fourth graders and then masturbate alone in my room, sobbing."

Keep Being A Fat Pig and I Will

"You're" is a contraction of "you are."  "Your" is the possive form of "you."  Guess they didn't focus on grammar down on the farm.

I Guess I'm Just Not A Fan of Modern Art

What is this?  Dolphins with the trots crapping yin-yangs?

Trust Me, Kid, Nobody's As Shocked About It As We Are

It's gotta be his birthday or something.  Or else, there's no justice in this world.