If I Worked at Spray-Tan, Daidle-Deedle-Daidle-Deedle-Daidle-Dum...

...All day long I'd spank it 'til I come.

I'd Still Date Her

At least with this one, it's all on the table.  Like her breasts.

Times Like These, Joanne Hated Being a Gynecologist

"Just keep smiling, Joanne.  And remember she only needs a pap smear once a year."

35 and Still Alive

Much like fat chicks, older women work hard in relationships.  You know why?  They have to.

It Would Be Hard for This Girl to Be Any Sexier

I'm just kidding.  It's not sexy.  She's only pretending to be dead.

I Hate Belts

I hated 'em before, because my dad used to beat me with one.  But this is worse.

Never Give A Blonde A Lightsaber

I'd still bang her without hands, though.

Damn You, Panties! Damn You All to Hell!

I don't know if she's aware she's flashing her crotch, but I definitely approve.

The Closest Either of Them Will Get to Real Breasts

Look how wacky we are!  He's wearing fake breasts and I'm licking the nipple.  Please, pay attention to us.  Someone!

What a Super Pair of Knockers

Her power is the ability to tame trouser-snakes.

My Wang Is Like A Red, Red Rose

Seriously, I'd love to pollinate all over this girl's face.

The College Fund, and the Tool That Earned It

Why is it that strippers are always putting themselves through college?  Just once I'd like to get a lapdance and hear that the girl's a dancer because she likes blow.

His Royal Highness, Lord Antoine, Third Earl of Dork

"Nothing makes me feel more like a man than strapping on the old armor, grabbing my replica blade, and pretend-smiting Rob from Accounting."

Om My God, I Want to Bang You

I'd like to introduce her to my favorite yoga position - bent over the hood of my car with her pants around her ankles.

Two Minutes Later, Rico Blew His Nose Off

When I say "douche," you say "That Guy!"  "Douche."  "That Guy."  "Douche."  "That Guy."

Now That's My Kind of Twister

You can take the girl out of the sorority, but you can't take the sorority out of the girl.  Or the nine Cosmos.

Keep Going, I'm Almost There

Sometimes pictures are so homoerotic, the captions write themselves.

Give Us Your Huddled Mastes(1) Yearning to Breathe Free(2)

Snarky Captions, David Foster Wallace Edition.

(1) Mastes - Latin for breasts

(2) From "The New Colossus" by Emma Lazarus, inscribed on the base of the Statue of Liberty