Best of Private Myspace

Jian BBQ - The Worst Restaurant in the World?

2009-08-30T09:38:00.000-07:00

Thought this was pretty funny -- Jian BBQ is a Korean barbecue restaurant in Los Angeles. This person had a really bad experience there in terms of customer service.

Best. Shirt. Ever.

2008-03-26T22:08:00.000-07:00

The undies aren't bad either.

The Phantom of the Opera Effect is a Nice Touch

2008-03-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

Think of me fondly, Christine.

Ah, a Sapphic Embrace in the Body Shop Locker Room

2008-03-26T22:06:00.000-07:00

Is there any place more magical or more chlamydia-ridden?

G.I. 'Mo

2008-03-26T22:05:00.000-07:00

A real American homo. G.I. 'Mo is there. And queer. Get used to it.

How Embarrassing! I Wore the Same Outfit.

2008-03-26T22:04:00.000-07:00

I got mine at Marble-Bags 'R' Us.

Nip-Slip, the King of the Hip, You Keep it Rockin' and a Rollin' on the Neighborhood Tip

2008-03-26T22:02:00.000-07:00

I think Beat Street would have been even better if it was about me spankin' it to this chick's tatas.

"Hello, Have You Met My Left Breast?"

2008-03-24T08:30:00.000-07:00

"His name is Reginald. He's a Capricorn and he enjoys long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, and nipple clamps."

Leelee Sobieski's Less-Attractive Cousin

2008-03-24T08:29:00.000-07:00

The scarf makes her cleavage classier.

She Laughed and Laughed...Until I Killed Her

2008-03-24T08:28:00.000-07:00

Anyone with a duck pillow deserves to die.

Alice in Bonerland

2008-03-24T08:26:00.001-07:00

No wonder Lewis Carroll was a pedophile.

Make It Clap

2008-03-24T08:24:00.000-07:00

You ever wonder if a rapper buys a Clapper and tries to have a girl operate it with her butt-cheeks? Me neither.

When They Left Sears Portrait Studio, They Accidentally Took the Monkey Home

2008-03-24T08:23:00.000-07:00

That's a good-lookin' kid. What'd he come with a free bowl of soup?

"You're Getting a Handjob Whether You Like It Or Not!"

2008-03-24T08:22:00.000-07:00

Life in my dream world is lovely.

"One Two Three -- SAUSAGE FEST!"

2008-03-24T08:20:00.000-07:00

Nary a girl to be found.

Do You Remember When We Used to Sing? Sha-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-Di-Da

2008-03-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

She's what Van Morrison was talkin' about.

She Has a Face Like an Old Catcher's Mitt, But Her Tits Are Almost Out

2008-03-23T10:45:00.000-07:00

Let's call it a draw.

There Must be a Lunar Eclipse

2008-03-23T10:43:00.000-07:00

Because that full moon swallowed that tiny thong.

I Want You to Meet Mrs. McGrubes...

2008-03-23T10:42:00.000-07:00

She has boobs for knees and knees for boobs.

She Woke Up to Discover She'd Joined the Kiss Army

2008-03-23T10:41:00.000-07:00

And was now pregnant.

Borat Was Busy

2008-03-23T10:40:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's sadder, that someone went through the trouble to Photoshop Ned Flanders as a Satanist, or that he made so many spelling and grammatical errors.

Give Me a "B!"

2008-03-22T10:20:00.001-07:00

I can't really tell if this girl is fat or attractive or what. And I don't really care.

Like Tara Reid, Only Dumber

2008-03-22T10:19:00.001-07:00

Seriously, this girl's face tells you two things -- she sucks a mean wang and she's dumber than a bag of retards.

Hicks of the Roman Republican - Part I

2008-03-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

Mustachius Maximus (aka Toothius Minimus). Ah, stealing humor from Roadrunner cartoons. Good times.

Nice Bush!

2008-03-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

Although I've never seen a fern with herpes before.

She's Giving Me an Old-Timey Boner

2008-03-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

I'm erect from the tip of my top hat to the bottom of my spats.

If I Had Two Heads That Looked Like This, I'd Cut Them Both Off

2008-03-22T10:13:00.000-07:00

I don't even want to think what's going on below the waist in this picture.

Paging Tight Ass, Party of One

2008-03-18T23:30:00.000-07:00

I don't know if she's actually a hooker or just a stripper.

They Shouldn't Have Fed Her After Midnight

2008-03-18T23:29:00.000-07:00

That bottle of beer is bigger than she is. You know what that means? Tight vagina!

That's Hilarious, but Now You Have to Clean My Toilet

2008-03-18T23:28:00.002-07:00

This also explains why I had sex with a bottle of Drano last night.

Two Shots Away from a Lesbian Experience

2008-03-18T23:28:00.001-07:00

Which pretty much describes most girls in LA.

Sabrina Wondered Why Guys Won't Let Her Go Down on Them

2008-03-18T23:26:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't let her near my Captain Crunch either.

She's the Hottest Chick in the Shitter

2008-03-18T23:25:00.000-07:00

And she smells wonderful.

The Last Time I Saw Legs Like That on an Asian...

2008-03-15T11:30:00.000-07:00

They were part of a dog she was eating.

"And That's Why I Have No Grandkids."

2008-03-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

This is a thinking caption, folks.

She's Got the Whole World in Her Hands

2008-03-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

She's got her double-D titties in her hands, she's got some big jugs in her hands.

This Guy Could Only Look Gayer if His Dog Was a Weiner

2008-03-15T11:27:00.000-07:00

And he was sucking on it.

Darth Putz

2008-03-15T11:26:00.000-07:00

The most fearsome of all Sith Lords had to clean his room or his mom wouldn't let him go to the arcade.

He Cocks His Shit to the Side Because He's Street*

2008-03-15T11:24:00.000-07:00

*Street = gay.

"I Vant to Suck...Your Tits!"

2008-03-14T08:32:00.000-07:00

I think he's supposed to be a Guido vampire. I guess we'll know for sure when he gets into his IROC Z-28.

Presenting -- ASS: THE MUSICAL!

2008-03-14T08:31:00.000-07:00

Now at the Pantages.

Skanky Larue Ruins a See-Through Moment

2008-03-14T08:30:00.001-07:00

Damn you, white bra. Damn you all to hell!

"How Can I Make Sure No One Ever Goes Down on Me? Hmmm..."

2008-03-14T08:28:00.000-07:00

Why are his jeans barcoded, though? Did he escape from a Skynet Work Camp?

(And yes, obviously this comes from funnyjunk.com, but someone had it on their private profile, so it fits the site. Asshole.)

In Retrospect, It Was Easy to See Dave Would Turn Out to Be a Serial Killer

2008-03-14T08:27:00.000-07:00

What the hell is this drawing supposed to be? A severed head and a spittoon? I'd like to know who drew this so I can stay the fuck away from him.

By the Time He Was Twelve, Timmy Was Freebasing Heroin

2008-03-14T08:24:00.000-07:00

But he was fun to hang out with.

The Dig Was a Success -- He Found the Lost Skank of Tutankhaman

2008-03-13T08:34:00.000-07:00

Although sadly her vagina had become mummified.

Exhibit A: Set List for the Crappiest Show of All Time

2008-03-13T08:33:00.000-07:00

Nice drawing. Think this dude's retarded?

This Picture is Good, but the One Where They Stuck a Cucumber in Her Butt is Priceless

2008-03-13T08:32:00.000-07:00

This is both creepy and sexy, or as I like to call it -- creexy.

Teen Pregnancy is Running Rampant

2008-03-13T08:31:00.000-07:00

What's really sad is that her baby's baby is pregnant.

Oh Look, We're Eighties! Isn't That Hysterical? I Know -- I Was Two in 1989. How Funny!

2008-03-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

Makes me want to go back in time and abort them.

Ashlee Simpson's Less Attractive Cousin

2008-03-13T08:24:00.000-07:00

What's up with those sleeve/gloves? They're like condoms for your arm.

Presenting the All-Douche Production of A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM

2008-03-12T08:32:00.000-07:00

I wore that outfit to my wedding. Probably why my wife left me at the altar. Bitch.

And All I Want is a Blowjob.

2008-03-12T08:31:00.001-07:00

Maybe we can work something out.

Last Time I Went Down on This Chick, I Got a Thorn in the Tongue

2008-03-12T08:29:00.000-07:00

Or: Massengill's Worked -- Her Ladyparts Were Flowery Fresh.

I Think the Sexy Nurse is Supposed to Examine the Soccer Player

2008-03-12T08:26:00.000-07:00

But I'm not complaining.

"I've Got a Bedpost Up My Hoo-Ha. And I Like It!"

2008-03-12T08:24:00.000-07:00

She can also open a pop bottle that way.

Lide 'Em Cowboy!

2008-03-12T08:23:00.000-07:00

She Chinese, she made joke. She made pee-pee in my Coke!

Catwoman's New Outfit Drew Attention, but the Wrong Kind

2008-03-11T02:00:00.000-07:00

Although she did foil a robbery when the thief stared at her vagina until the police arrived.

They Call it Violator Because Listening to It Is Like Getting Ear-Raped

2008-03-11T01:59:00.000-07:00

I used to like this kind of music when I was 15. Man, I was a fag.

Webcams and Low-Cut Tops, God's Two Greatest Gifts to Man

2008-03-11T01:58:00.001-07:00

The third is breast implants. Then penicillin.

He'll Kick Your Evil Ass in the Day and Make Sweet Gay Love to You At Night

2008-03-11T01:56:00.000-07:00

He's a multitasker, Sir Flamealot.

"Here's To You, Senor Douchebag!"

2008-03-11T01:55:00.000-07:00

At least he wore his best pimp-suit.

He Could Have Saved a Lot of Pain and Money By Tattooing "Tool" on His Forehead

2008-03-11T01:54:00.000-07:00

Although the cobwebs on his scrotum are ironically accurate.

The Drive-Through Brothel Was a Wonderful Invention

2008-03-09T11:29:00.001-07:00

"I'll take a blonde skank with a side of syphillis."

Like a Shampoo Ad, But For Ugly People

2008-03-09T11:27:00.000-07:00

Something that pasty and flabby should get thrown back in the sea.

Little Timmy Began to Suspect He Had a Drinking Problem

2008-03-09T11:25:00.000-07:00

Toddlers and booze are a wonderful combination. Just like women and gags.

They Screw Like Bunnies

2008-03-09T11:23:00.001-07:00

Playboy bunnies! Ay-oh! I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

"People Said I Was Insane for Cutting Out the Crotch of My Jeans. Who's Crazy Now?"

2008-03-09T11:21:00.000-07:00

You can tell he's artistic because there's an acoustic guitar leaning against the wall. And that he's a moron because of his pit-stained douche-shirt.

"I Told You Not To Touch My Thomas Kinkade Painting!"

2008-03-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

It was the second-worst beating he got, after the beat-down he received for breaking a Hummel figurine.

I'm Turned On Now, But If They Start Screwing, I'm Outta Here

2008-03-08T12:19:00.000-08:00

I thought dogs were supposed to be man's best friend.

That Reminds Me, I Have to Get My Mom Something for Mother's Day

2008-03-08T12:17:00.000-08:00

Also, I need to cancel my Thursday 4:30 appointment.

"Okay, I Need You To Get Him To Offer to Sell You the Baby On Tape. Then We've Got Him!"

2008-03-08T12:15:00.000-08:00

I think the last girl I slept with was wearing a wire. At any rate, there was a cord coming out of her butt.

"Why Wont' Kinko's Hire Me?"

2008-03-08T12:14:00.000-08:00

All he wants is a nice girl who's into The Cure, darkness, and dying children. Is that so much to ask?

The Abortion Worked Wonders for Haley's Figure

2008-03-08T12:13:00.000-08:00

She's got those cut lines on her stomach that point straight to her va-jay-jay. Sexy.

"You Said My Pizza Would Be Here In Thirty Minutes, Punk!"

2008-03-08T12:09:00.000-08:00

She cocks her shit to the side 'cause she's gangsta.

There's Something Attractive About This Girl, But I Can't Put My Finger On Them

2008-03-05T23:37:00.000-08:00

I'd like to do my motorboat impression. That's where I bury my face in her cleavage and go - brrrrrrrr.

"Where's My Bottle, Bitch?"

2008-03-05T23:36:00.000-08:00

Watch out! It's Frankenbaby!

Old Pirates? Yes, They Rob I. But I Didn't Mind.

2008-03-05T23:35:00.000-08:00

I'd like to make these wenches walk my plank.

Just Bust a Douche

2008-03-05T23:34:00.000-08:00

You want it? You got it. You want it? Baby, you got it. Just bust a douche!

Virtuoso Skin-Flautist

2008-03-05T23:18:00.000-08:00

Her fingering is amazing.

Can You Get Worker's Comp For Being a Moron?

2008-03-05T23:17:00.000-08:00

Type of injury - blown out knees due to structural overload.

I Wish I Was a Baby

2008-03-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

So I could suckle those things. And if I was a doctor, I'd numb her vagina. Num-num-num!

And That's How I Lost My Toddler AND Got This Pair of Alligator Skin Boots

2008-03-04T23:59:00.000-08:00

This has dumb idea written all over it.

His Mom Did This So Cats Would Play With Him

2008-03-04T23:58:00.000-08:00

I tried hanging a bunch of cocks around my neck, but it didn't work.

Girl Posing in a Puddle of My Semen

2008-03-04T23:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get a little artsy.

I'm Pretty Sure I Can Take Her In a Fight

2008-03-04T23:56:00.000-08:00

And even if I lose, I win (most girls don't let me that close).

"I Pooped Out a Carpeted Step!"

2008-03-04T23:55:00.000-08:00

And Sears Portrait Studio hired her.

I Wish My Dong Was a Champagne Bottle

2008-03-03T23:37:00.002-08:00

People probably wouldn't stare so much when I whipped it out at weddings.

"Make a Wish!"

2008-03-03T23:37:00.001-08:00

Whoever gets the top half has good luck for a whole week.

I Prefer Q-Tips

2008-03-03T23:36:00.000-08:00

But it does get her vagina remarkably clean.

Moments Before the CHUDS Got Them

2008-03-03T23:35:00.001-08:00

They had to grease the fat kid's head with butter to get him out.

This Bastard Stole My Haircut

2008-03-03T23:34:00.000-08:00

It only took me five minutes to find my way out of his hair.

Proof There's Crappy Music in Germany Too

2008-03-03T23:32:00.000-08:00

They say "no cover songs" like it's a good thing.

Johanna's Secret to Immortality? Being Death's Girlfriend

2008-03-02T10:44:00.000-08:00

She looks great for 812.

We're Gonna Have a Convoy...

2008-03-02T10:43:00.000-08:00

Right on this girl's ass.

The Closest This Guy Will Come to Touching a Real Breast

2008-03-02T10:42:00.001-08:00

What's strange is that his penis is also inflatable.

That's the Same Face She Makes When Coming

2008-03-02T10:41:00.000-08:00

And also when pooping.

How Sexy -- You Have a Tree Growing Out of Your Ass

2008-03-02T10:40:00.000-08:00

Why would you ruin a perfectly sexy back like this? Please ladies, consult me before you going and do shit of this nature.

She Gets My Meter Running

2008-03-01T09:51:00.000-08:00

And I gave her a nice tip. And by "tip," I mean the head of my penis, which is really all I've got.

Finish Frosting Him Already -- I'm Starving!

2008-03-01T09:50:00.000-08:00

I've found that Asian children are the most nutritious.